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If you go to an event at which Austers are present then please jot down a few notes, take some pictures and send them to us.

We will put them on the web and use them in the magazine.

Many thanks

Subject: PA By a West jet Flight Attendant

 I have heard some fun comments on West Jet but nothing as good as this one.

Thanks to a retired West Jet Captain for sending this "paraphrase” of a memorable safety PA from their Flight Attendants.   In his own words..."I was flying to Vancouver from Toronto this weekend,  and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had   the whole plane looking at each other like "what the  heck?"    (Getting Toronto people to look at each other is an Accomplishment.) So once we were airborne, I took out my laptop and   typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget.  I've left out a few   parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."

(BEFORE TAKEOFF)

Hello and welcome to WestJet Flight 438 to Vancouver.  If you're  going to Vancouver, you're in the right place. If you're not going to Vancouver, you're about to have a really long evening.  We'd  like to tell you now about some important safety features of this Aircraft.  The most important safety feature we have aboard this  plane is The Flight Attendants.  Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end.  If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet.  That would be a really bad idea.  Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.  Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits.  White ones along the normal rows and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there’s oxygen there, I promise.  If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favour and put on your mask first.  If you are travelling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favourite.   Help that one first and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane.  I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer.  It makes a very good fan.  It also has pretty pictures.  Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your hips. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car, because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out.  This is a free service we provide.  There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.  We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on; let me check what it is, Oh here it is ... the movie tonight is "Gone With the Wind."

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light.  Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing WestJet, and giving us your business and your money.  If there’s anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don’t hesitate to ask.  If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?

(AFTER LANDING)

Welcome to the Vancouver International Airport. Sorry about the Bumpy landing. It's not the Captain's fault. It's not the Co-pilot’s Fault. It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no Time in history has a passenger beat a plane to the gate.  So  please, don't even try. Also, please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, good morning to you!... and I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot (i.e.high and fast) and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.
San Jose Tower: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (gently - in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed - rather heavily - rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" peedbird 206:
"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land." =========================================================
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Aircrew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate groundcontroller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

After every flight, Quanta’s pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.  Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quanta’s' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an M).

(By the way, Quanta’s [Australian] is the only major airline that has never had an accident.  This report on their upkeep system tells why...  :-)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget

Peter Gill